Respect: The Toggle that is Always On
Respect is the lifeblood of spiritual community. It is the water for which every individual thirsts. Respect is the toggle that is always on.
The Biblical Basis of Respect
What is the basis of respect? It is that every individual is made in the image of God. In Genesis 1:27 we read, “So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female” (all Scripture references are from the Christian Standard Bible translation unless otherwise noted). Respect is constant because the individual remains a God-image bearer even when that individual is not living up to that image.
Accordingly, the Scriptures enjoin that its readers treat one another with respect. In the book of Romans, Paul said, “Honor one another above yourselves” (12:10b). To the church at Phillipi. Paul writes, “…in humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3b). Peter explicitly expands this command with “Show proper respect to everyone…” (1 Peter 2:17a, emphasis mine).
An Example of Respect
Jesus showed respect to the rich young ruler when He told him that he needed to sell all of his possessions. The ruler had asked Jesus, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” (Mark 10:17-22). Jesus advised him to keep the commandments but, after the ruler said that he had been keeping those commandments, Jesus added, “Go, sell all you have and give to the poor.” Though the young man was dismayed by Jesus’ response and “went away grieving, because he had many possessions,” the gospel chronicler nevertheless says that Jesus loved him. This incident is key, because it indicates that respect means we sometimes need to make others uncomfortable. The two are not inconsistent. In fact, Jesus’ illustrates that sometimes respect itself demands that we make the other person uncomfortable.
The Depth of Respect
This incident with the Lord illustrates that respect is often misunderstood. This occurs when respect is confused with kindness. Though kindness is important, respect can sometimes appear unkind. When respect is seen as unkind, respect can be superficialized. Respect is then unhelpfully replaced by an ersatz kindness when the primary criterion of consideration is the comfort of the other person instead of candor and a commitment to what is true. It’s certainly a good thing to bring comfort; but sometimes truth demands discomfort. Genuine respect can therefore appear prima facie to be the opposite of nice.
Practical Tips for Respect
Respect Enables Us to Have Uncomfortable Conversations in a Spirit of Service
Respect enables us to be simultaneously strong but loving. Many, many leaders segue into disrespect when they are having corrective conversations with people that follow them. Respect means that we don’t do that. We instead as leaders maintain a simultaneous commitment to the truth and, as Jesus did with the rich young ruler, a commitment to love.
Respect Dictates the Tone We Use when Speaking With Others
The book of Proverbs addresses this when it says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). When speaking to someone else about a topic on which we disagree, we simultaneously balance a commitment to the truth with a commitment to the individual with whom we disagree with our tone. We don’t yell as a matter of course. We don’t curse. We don’t use sarcasm. This combination of candor with kindness is incredibly powerful. But respect has an even more powerful impact on our tone.
Respect Allows Us to Maintain our Composure Even When the Other Person is Losing Theirs
Ego sometimes will inflate the self and cause us to match the emotional state of the other person. If they yell, we yell. But because the person with whom we disagree is an image-bearer, we must maintain respect. This respect does not necessarily connote agreement, but it does denote the worth of the other person, even if they are acting disrespectfully. We are able to remain calm because we know who we are in Christ, we know that we are loved, and we know the truth.
A Commitment to Respect Means that We Will Respect Ourselves
Respect, in fact, allows us to live up to the level of our own dignity rather than living down to the level of someone else’s disrespect. We know the basis of our own dignity because we not only know the other person is made in God’s image, but we know that we are too. We have intrinsic worth because of this. We are not a doormat; we are an image-bearer. In Matthew 22:29 Jesus said, “You must love your neighbor as you love yourself” (emphasis mine). Self-appreciation is, in fact, a basis for appreciating others.
Respect Allows Us to Be Teachable
Ego often gets in the way of respect, especially when there is a difference of opinion or different points of view. Ego – what the Scripture calls pride – will often intervene in relationships and cause us to over-assert our point of view. This occurs when it becomes more important for us to be seen as right than to actually be right. Ego intervenes and poisons any relationship when we elevate our own reputation above what is true. The antidote to this kind of interaction is to build in the pause. When someone disagrees with us, we often emotionally wish to quickly assert our point of view and to explain why we are right. When we do this, our ascending ego pushes aside the opportunity to learn from the other person.
A better choice for us in the midst of disagreement is to entertain the hypothetical possibility that the person with whom we are speaking has wisdom, data, information, or insight that would cause us to revise our thinking. We need to pause and reflect that they may be right. They may know something that we don’t know. They may have a perspective that we don’t have. We may need to change our paradigm. This attitude combines true respect with humility. Our ego is not the most important issue; achieving the truth is what’s most important. And the person with whom we’re speaking may have some truth to which we need to pay attention. Building in the pause means that we wait, listen, and actually consider what the other person is saying.
Being assured of our own worth and dignity gives us the confidence of knowing that we can be wrong! Our worth is not based on being right; our worth is based on being an image-bearer and that God loves us in Jesus Christ. When this is not realized – when self-esteem is low – then we may be more likely to argue vociferously for our own point of view because our ego is at stake. When that’s true for us, we are being driven more by fear than by service. We must be right because with low self-esteem we feel that being right will give us another reason to believe we have worth. And so, we fight both too hard and for the wrong reason. The criteria of such a discussion should be truth and love, not ego and self-affirmation.
But when our feeling of self-esteem is not contingent on being right, then we are free to both be corrected and to learn. The other person can be totally right and we can be totally wrong because our self-worth is not at stake. We can, as Peter Senge eloquently writes, “Balance advocacy with inquiry” (see The Fifth Discipline, p. 258).
Respect – knowing that we have great worth because of our being made in God’s image but also knowing that others have that same worth – provides a sufficient guide in how to treat others. It is sufficient because it points simultaneously to the importance of serving the other person and to a commitment to what is true. It means that having a comfortable conversation is not the primary criterion for evaluating a successful interaction. Instead, we decide what to say and how to act based on what’s best for the good of the other person. Respect helps us to be calm, considered, considerate and provides us and others with a basis for further learning and growth.
Copyright Stephen Shields 2025. All rights reserved.
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